The past few days have been nothing short of difficult. I’ve battled with my mental health, wishing it was something I could help and I can’t. I put me first and took from work what I call a ‘Mental Health Day’ and for my partner’s sake, postponed my visit to see him lest I take it out on him.
My circumstances would say that I’m doing well. I’m having a good December by becoming financially responsible, moving into a new job role in the new year and expanding in my career and making subtle but noticeable changes to my diet that improve my mood. I also feel very positive that this year I have been far more reliable as has been pointed out by close family and friends that I can be quite unreliable sometimes. I have the most wonderful partner by my side and despite boulders of trouble coming our way, we defeat them and continue to enjoy our relationship and how far we have come – including celebrating 10 months together this month. I am looking forward to the last few days of this year and feel grateful that this year has been the best year in the past 4 years.
As always, there are things that I could work on: I am looking forward to growing my hair long and although it sounds irrelevant, I welcome anything that strengthens my character as this will because of the discipline involved – I know that nothing will happen overnight. I look forward to potentially finding a new rental of my own or to share with my boyfriend; holidays with my boyfriend and just enjoying life now that I am 24 and continue to get older and wiser.
On not such a light note, I have what I have diagnosed as a “fear of abandonment”. It has come to my attention from the fact that there is nothing like a relationship to act as a mirror to the soul. There is nothing I can do to help the fact of the matter but I can help myself to react better for my own good and the sake of those around me. I aim to be better to myself and less selfish to others. It is one thing to say you love someone but another thing to do it. I am learning not to make excuses.
there is nothing like a relationship to act as a mirror to the soul.
It can be hard work. My fear, I think, has come about from having experienced my functional years without my father and as that happened, I had to find closure on my own. This fear spills into my relationship and I have had to try extra hard to try to make things work on my end that I would allow what I have with Jake grow. Although I am level-headed in most situations, at times, my irrational feelings become rational thoughts that I am fully convicted by, making an enemy of those on my side. By taking full responsibility and humbling myself to use CBT (cognitive behavioral techniques) to carry it out, I create a happier environment in my mind and am reminded that mental health is nothing to be ashamed of. And with the support of those who know me and love me, I will pull myself through. Because for every battle I might lose, the war is never over.
for every battle I might lose, the war is never over.
As much as I want to be held, and told that it’s okay, the inner child within me wants reassurance with affection and most definitely attention. But the reality is, no one else can live my life but me. I am the only one that can be me and do what I do. I must remember that while it is quite scary, it is a privilege, for each individual, to be the only one to have the purest perspective of things from one’s own heart. It is harsh sometimes as others will never walk in our shoes and be on the journey that we’re on. I am strong, and although understandably I want to be the capable and strong version of myself at all times, I am only human and I can help myself.
I am only human.
We are creatures of habit. We are creatures that are shaped by the thoughts we believe. Our thoughts become actions, our actions behaviors and eventually who we are. And I am going to be me.